Fools For God

Note: This entry was actually written back in June...it is NOT currently happening. There are two reasons I include it now: 1) The purpose of this journal is to relay some of our experiences here in Indonesia, and 2) to praise God for bringing us through this event to where we are now (7 months into a healthy pregnancy). This entry was written in the midst of one of life's storms and is a bit hard for me to re-read because it immediately takes me back to that difficult week. Even so, it was a good week...a necessary and transforming week for our spiritual growth. And as bizarre as it might sound, looking back, it is also a time that Amy has described as one of the best weeks of her life. Mine too.

As I write this, Amy has been in bed for 3 days. Again, we are going through a time of testing and tribulation. You may remember that we have struggled with infertility for a few years. Last year, Amy became pregnant for the first time, but we lost the baby eleven weeks later in a scary rush to a third-world hospital during Christmas vacation. We found out in April that she is pregnant again. After doing the math, we realized that the due date was the exact same day we were in Bali last year losing our child. God truly is the Redeemer!

But 4 days ago, about the same time as the last, Amy began bleeding. Just a little at first -- then much more. Seeing that much bright red spill out of her uncontrollably struck us both with terror. Immediately came the tears and the cries of, “Dear God NO! Please, not again!” Perhaps you know this feeling—a raw, guttural mixture of anger, shock, and horror. It comes with a profound sense of helplessness and is then often followed by an action plan of some kind. How are we going to deal with this?

Our first reaction was to try getting a hold of a local doctor. We were told he was out of town. Then we tried contacting the doctor we had visited before in Semarang (2 hours away). He could not be reached. We truly had nowhere to go. And even if we did, the healthcare here is deplorable. It is likely that neither doctor has the knowledge or equipment necessary to fix things. It occurred to me that we had been put in a place where we had only one option, to trust in God. Had this happened in America, we would have rushed to the nearest hospital and had her checked out by a competent physician using the latest in imaging technology. Please don’t misunderstand, there is nothing wrong with going to the hospital. My point is this: In America, yes, we would also have prayed, but quite honestly we would’ve relied on modern medicine. Prayer and reliance are not always the same. Now, we had to rely solely on God for help. I can’t describe how humbling it is to be in a place of no other option but to lean on Him. That night was a hard night.

Amy stayed in bed all the next day. Movement seemed to increase the bleeding and pain. Though her condition had not changed, it was amazing how different our attitudes were. After much prayer, we both felt God was saying the same thing: First, I’ve allowed you to be in precisely this position so you will have to rely on me rather than try to “manage” the situation yourself. Second, are you going to trust that I am in control or are you going to trust in what you see and feel? {Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (Heb. 11:1)} We chose to hope in God.

It would be easy to think, “That sounds a lot like denial to me. You’ve been through a previous traumatic event and you’re choosing to ignore what’s going on. It’s certainly an understandable reaction, but face facts, you know what’s happening.” Well, the fact is, I don’t know what’s happening. The only thing I know for sure is that God is with us. Now, I realize that all this may not work out the way we hope. This may end in many tears and much sorrow—that is real. But just as real is the knowledge that God is the Almighty Creator of heaven and earth. Nothing is too difficult for Him. {Behold I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me? (Jer. 32:27)} That being the case, if our baby is slowly dying in my wife’s womb, can God fix that? Absolutely! What if the baby has already died? Yes. I believe He can fix even that. If you doubt that God can heal Amy’s bleeding or that He can raise a dead child back to life, I urge you to read Luke 8:40-56.

On the third day, Amy and I talked about how we’ve been praying for this child – that he or she would be set apart for God’s service. That he would lead a life that’s on fire for Him; an unquenchable light. That he would draw thousands to His Kingdom through his grace, truth, compassion, and mercy. But we felt like God was asking us: “I know you want this baby more than anything and that you have dedicated his life to me. But, if I choose to take this child now, even if you don’t understand why, will you still love me? Will you still serve me? Can you dedicate this child to me, even if it means death?” We answered, “Yes. We know we are only the blessed stewards of this child. He truly belongs to you. Do what you will Lord.” I can’t imagine a harder prayer to utter.

Now—day four—Amy remains in bed; still bleeding. We are at peace. We trust that God is here and He is in control. {“For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the LORD who has compassion on you. (Isa 54:10)} I fully realize that verse is not a promise that everything will happen the way we want it to. It is, however, a promise that He will be beside us through whatever happens. No matter how this turns out, we will serve Him and praise Him all the same. But in our hearts we truly believe that, despite appearances, everything will be okay. We will give birth to a healthy child in December.

But what if? What if we don’t have a baby in December? Won’t we look foolish for having such an unfounded hope? Did you read that passage in Luke? If so, what was the reason that the woman was healed and the child raised from the dead? Faith. And that is what God is trying to grow in us. {Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4)} Faith isn’t formed when everything’s going smoothly. So I can honestly say we have come to a place where we can actually thank God for what we’re going through right now. The truth is, I would rather be a fool for God—trusting in Him with my whole heart, even when I don’t understand His purposes, than have the foolish belief that I’m actually in control or that I know what’s best. {“The LORD is my portion” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in Him.” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. (Lam 3:24-25)}